she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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