Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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