Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Randomize
