At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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