we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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