happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
