The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
