I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize