You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
