the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
