We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
