if i can run in heels then i can drive
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
