So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
