I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
