Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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