Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Your dad touched me again.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
