I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
