i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize