that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I AM VODKA MAN
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
