Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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