Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
