She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
