Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
