do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
