Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
