Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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