Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
