Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
