1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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