Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
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