Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
