My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
