well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
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