she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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