We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Who died my cat blue again?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize