my phone needs a breathalizer
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize