pop tarts are not kleenex
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
