Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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