she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
