i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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