i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I think my fart just growled at me.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
