singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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