Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
