I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Randomize
