I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Randomize
