Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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