Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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