I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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