my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You pole danced in your parka.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
