I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
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