I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
