I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Randomize
