if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
