My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
