I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
