why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
