Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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