I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
