hotel room ftw
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Randomize
